i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
