I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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