so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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