i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
