I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
a search helicopter?!
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
