How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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