He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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