I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
