I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
