i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
