Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize