I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
