My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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