Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize