omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
