i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize