You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
