so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Every concussion has its silver lining
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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