No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
sarcasm needs its own font
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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