I hate all girls vehemently.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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