Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
