we're chasing vodka with high fives
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
