Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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