pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
