remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
