I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize