Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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