I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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