if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
