Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
