he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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