Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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