I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
