got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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