Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
