everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I have aggressive nipples.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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