Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
