Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
