I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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