imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
