just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
