I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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