pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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