I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize