Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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