The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
