i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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