I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
