i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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