there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
