Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
