i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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