so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Randomize
