Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
