I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
