I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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