I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Text me some of your sweat
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
