I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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