I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I need moral support for this bender
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I can't turn off my feet"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
