i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
