It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
