I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
