I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
