you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
