Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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